By GEORGE STAHL
Well, now that it is the 5th and you are reading this, it could only mean one thing. You survived June 4, yesterday. Actually, it could also mean that you do not have a cat, do not know someone with a cat, or are not in the habit of walking up to strays, ferals and saying in a cute voice, ‘Here kitty kitty…’ Yesterday was National Hug a Cat Day all across the United States. That’s a lot of cats to cuddle. Let’s get real now. Most cats will not let you get close enough to them for a pet let a lone a humongous hugathon. Even if you offer them the ability to gain a tenth life. If you did do anything like that, look at your arm, hands and fingers. Scratches? Maybe. Now lift up your shirt, not near a window, and see what side effects a cat hug could have.
Don’t get me wrong, I think cats are great. Little kittens, small cats, Taby cats, Alley cats, fluffy cats, Tom Cats, Calico cats, Main Koon cats, Bobcats, Puma cats, Top cats, Sylvester cats, Pepe le Pew cats, and even Lions, Tigers, and mangy cats. These are all capable of inflicting great bodily injury if given the chance. So, don’t give them the chance. There is one cat I did not mention. I have one of those cats whose name we dare not say. But, for the sake of the column I will. Say it. The name of the cat most feared, most avoided at all costs, and most scarry is…The Tortoiseshell Cat! Better known as a Tortie Cat. Described by those who have encountered this particularly aggressive, get out of my face sort of pugnacious feline as a terror born from Freddy Kruger’s own personal nightmares. And, yes, we have one! She is our second in fact. Our fisrt Tortie lived to the ripe old age of 14 or 15 and now our new Tortie does certain things as if she is channeling our previous Tortie.
Whoever thought it would be a good idea to have people celebrate a day where they pick up a cat and hug it to their chest should have their head examined. You might as well have a swim with an alligator day or pet a rattle snake day. If there is any holiday that you do not want to celebrate it has to be ‘Hug a Cat Day.’ Granted, there are exceptions to all rules, and this event is no different. I am sure that there are those felines that will indulge you if you want to hold them, cuddle them, squeeze then (gently) and even hug them. Can you tell which ones they are? Not by just looking at them you cannot. In order to know if it is a wise choice, more times than not you will need to bend over slowly, and reach out an open hand towards your target cat. This is called, Step 1. If there is no hissing, squeaking, meowing, or front paw swiping, chances are pretty good you can go onto Step number 2.
Step 2 in the how to approach a cat guide is, after you establish a sort of understanding you reach out to now touch the cat. This is the make or break the deal stage. Slowly, without any sudden moves reach your hand towards the head of the subject cat. If the cat does not twitch or scream or run, and it actually allows you to touch its head, you have just gotten to second base, I mean Phase 2 with the cat. You can afford a sigh here. So far, no snarls, hisses, scratches or bites. You and your subject cat are ready for Step 3, ‘The lift’ phase of all of this. In this step you are going to go where you have never gone before. You are on your own and you are very brave. Take both of your hands and reach them for the cat, open palms and one on each side of its face. Careful not to contact the whiskers, or all bets are off! The next and final step is Step 4, which you go right into and take hold of the cat, raising it off the floor and bringing it to your chest for the hug. Promptly put the cat back onto the floor. This is not bull riding; you do not have to hold the cat for 8 seconds to qualify for celebrating ‘Hug a Cat Day’.
Until next year then, congratulations, now go off and tend to your wounds.
