By GEORGE STAHL
In just five days, April 8, people will be witness to a world changing event that could jeopardize the future of the human race. At least it could prove to be a catalyst for our demise. This singularly important event will be witnessed by an estimated 43.8 million people worldwide over the time it takes the sun and moon to do their dance in the sky. 31 million of those live in the United States. Beginning on the afternoon of April 8, 12:10 pm to be exact, the Total Eclipse of the Sun will begin its journey across north America from Mexico to Canada. The last Total Eclipse was 7 years ago in 2017, and only produced about a third of the excitement next Monday’s is already drumming up. This is not your average, run of the mill, rare Total Eclipses, this one comes with caveats, baggage, and warnings. Oh my! Scientists are gearing up for some pretty spectacular things happening as the sun goes away, fades in and out of sight and appears to be hidding for about 5 hours as it crosses 48 states, and creates some pretty exciting moments for the country and the other parts of the world.
A spokesman for the International Astronomers Society said, “As the afternoon progresses and maybe even an hour or so before, people will begin noticing some strange things happening with their cell phones.” According to Sonny Moontide, the IAS has been tracking the movements of the sun for a few years now. “Ever since the last Total Eclipse we had back in 2017, we have been taking note of the suns activity and the over all condition of her health.” Moontide, an American Indian member of the little-known Moon Watcher tribe of New Mexico, is an expert on eclipses and is always willing to speak about their effects. “Along with the beauty and awe of a Total Eclipse, there are side effects.”
Other prominent members of the scientific community concur with Moontide. The warnings are all over America’s favorite news source, the internet. Today a list of what to watch for and prepare for came out, and it is not a pretty one. The threat is real and imminent experts say. The first half hour in the path of totality, as it is called will see changes in the weather patterns of each area. Severe storms and high winds accompanied by heavy rain will be a part of the early hours the eclipse. In those states with deep lakes and reservoirs the waters will mimicthe tides of the ocean and will begin to over flow the banks creating hazards for residents. Nature will react in way that will seem highly unusual as well. Wildlife will become aggressive and may even wander into populated areas in search for food. Plants will wilt, and trees will drop their leaves.
The eclipses will interrupt cell phone service and computers will begin shutting down or freezing up. Some will open websites that contain viruses and infect businesses, emergency call centers and home offices. Smart devices will begin talking to one another, commanding they shut down or worse, connect to a main server somewhere in a city and spread through the fiber optic system of the area frying most of it.
The phrase, ‘Potential Spam’ will begin flashing over monitors, t.v. screens and electronic billboards. Traffic signals will show red lights in four directions, confusing commuters even more so than they are when one side is green and the other is yellow. Those little red men walking under the signals will start walking backwards or will break into a Moonwalk. Pedestrians will be dumbfounded and panic running into the streets. That’s okay though since all the cars will be waiting for the red lights to change in both directions.
Electric cars will be stranded on the roads, some will spontaneously combust, and others will not unlock their doors to let the occupants out. Inside your homes, smart faucets will explode in the kitchen, smart refrigerators will shut down and destroy a month’s supply of meat and milk. Your smart dishwasher will turn on, and not to be outdone, your smart washer and dryer will begin agitating and spinning uncontrollably. In the bathroom, your smart toilet will begin endlessly flushing regardless if the seat is up or down.
The highest level of concern is that during that five hours in those 48 states some of them contain missile silos that the power of the eclipse will be able to access the codes and send the missiles flying. Once they are aloft, there could be no turning back. They will need to hit their target or be recalled. April 8, 2024 could well be the day the apocalypse begins in the United States! Wait a minute here! Say, wasn’t April Fool’s Day just 2 days ago? But what does that have to do with April 8th?
