By George Stahl
August is one of those months that begins its first day in the middle of the week. As if it’s not enough to keep track of dates and days, these months have to disrupt things even more. May did the same thing, and remember how messed up that month was! Anyway, August, even with it’s selfish start, is called, ‘Admit You’re Happy Month.’ So, we have to let that awkward middle of the week thing go and celebrate the first week of August as National Simplify Your Life Week! Yes sir, or Ms., the first five days of this month can do just that if you play them right. If not, well, then they could be the most complicated 5 days of your life.
Let’s start with today. Now, if you believe in this sort of stuff, today shares a couple of special things. The biggest, arguably is it is National Girlfriends Day. Okay, now, that one could mean a lot more than what it simply implies. Especially in today’s world. There are several scenarios wherein this day could be celebrated. Black and white absolutes are gone forever, and variable means a lot more nowadays than how many speeds your drill has. Guys and gals alike, remember this day, and you will have a sweet life, forget it and you will suffer the wrath of all wraths for a very long time, depending on your girlfriend’s grudge memory, or how long she thinks she can milk your mental lapse for whatever it’s worth. Don’t worry guys and gals, you have an out. Today is also, National Raspberry Cream Pie Day, and who doesn’t like a great big piece of raspberry cream pie? Just cut her a piece that will take her at least an hour to eat and bring two forks. How could anything go wrong or wronger after that? (Wronger is not a word, I know, but if I have to put a ‘p’ in raspberry, then I can use a fake word if I want to.) Anyway, you’re the one who forgot Girlfriend’s Day!
Tomorrow, Aug. 2. It is simply National Ice Cream Sandwich Day. By the way, so far, this should also be Carb Week! If you messed up yesterday, and your girlfriend is on one of those Paleo, Carbless diets, eating like a cavegirl, then, you have no out! For you, this is National Grovel Week!
There might be some light between your ears after all. Your early Alzheimer moment could turn around on the 3rd. Friday is a combo you could capitalize on. First, it’s National Grab Some Nuts Day, and secondarily, it’s International Beer Day. Nuts and beer, now that’s a diet any cavegirl could go for. The details of how you could celebrate this most auspicious day will be best left up to you, without any interference from this column. Cheers!
The 4th of August is a perfect follow up day to that beer day thing. Saturday is called National Hangover Day. If all went right the day and night before, you will wake up with a headache and few aches and pains elsewhere. Saturday is also National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day, more of those nasty carbs making their way into your Paleo lifestyle! Take advantage of it, it is also National Mustard Day. Cook up some hot dogs for you and your girl, then serve them with a salad, a container of mustard, and get this, without the bun!
Nut grabbing, beer guzzling, and bunless, mustard covered hot dogs! You’re in like Flynn! Just in time too, tomorrow, Sunday, August 5th, the end of the first week of the month is National Forgiveness Day! Your girlfriend will have no choice but, to let things go back the way they were before your ‘senior moment’! But, if she’s not totally convinced after all of that, Sunday is also, National Underwear Day! No kidding! ‘So?’ you say. Use your imagination; do I have to spell everything out for you? I didn’t think so!
Happy August – keep smiling! Wait for the rest of the month…it just keeps getting better! You’ll see. Just don’t forget anything else until September. That’s called ‘Self Improvement Month.’ People, including your girlfriend, will expect you to be less than perfect.